The ants are back in Aptos full force and I hate ants. They disgust me. I’d rather deal with spiders than ants. But yes, I was reminded me of another dark night not so long ago, and one of my favorite near-mental breakdowns and one of my absolute favorite journal entries….
Feb. 14, 2007
Currently Reading: A.H.W.O.S.G., by Dave Eggers
I just had one of the most horrifying experiences of my whole life, possibly THE most horrifying experience.
Due to my current pathetic status I am without a car, squatting at my grandparent’s beach house, walking to the carpool so I can get to work, about to be kicked out of my house in a month, and alone and painfully sober on Valentine’s Day.
And okay, the Valentine’s Day thing is not such big deal but it does make things sound more dramatic doesn’t it? I actually went for margaritas, dinner, and some girly time with Laura before our last guitar class. And after class she drove me home where we continued to have girly time and watch Lost until 11:00.
But after that I was alone…
And I wanted to take a shower because, you know, I’m clean like that. So I get undressed, step into the shower, and when I turn on the water it smells like eggs… like really bad eggs. Like sulfur. Like SHIT!
And I’m sitting (well, standing actually) there in shitty sulfur water when I think, fuck it, I may as well wash my hair, maybe it’s just the old pipes. So then I proceed to wash… quickly.
And for whatever reason I’m reluctant to get the water in my eyes — I dunno, like THAT will kill me as opposed to everything else — so while standing in the shower I close my eyes and bump against the wall/window a bit because I’m bracing myself there so I don’t slip and kill myself in the tub like some old lady during my blind cleansing/bathing…
(this has to be some kind of metaphor for something by the way)
when I open my eyes to find ants…
tons and tons of ants…
ANTS! FUCKING ANTS!
ALL FUCKING OVER ME!!!
So, quite naturally I screamed and proceeded to bawl my eyes out while crazily trying to wash them from my body (in the stink-water I’d like to mention). Then I sort of started laughing but the crazy kind. The kind where you are one step away from passing out. And ya, that kept up for a while until I rinsed all the ants off and ran from the stinky shower, fell onto the bed in a naked heap of towel and skin, and proceeded to sob quietly. And yes, every so often I erratically burst into small fits of crazed giggles too.
I hate this house.
Apparently I put my hand in some ant fucking nest. I dunno, I’m not going in there to find out. But it smells still and I pray to whatever gods there may be that the smell IS the pipes and not the water/me. Ew.
So yes, I sort of lost it, but I really think I was entitled.
It’s been a hard year so far but I’m hoping tonight’s near-mental breakdown was rock bottom. I’m going up from now on I swear. I’m going to get my car fixed. Then I’ll find a house. Then I’ll buy a real car. Then I’ll do all that other shit I was working on before those two essential elements of my 20-something survival fell apart.
But for now, I’ll sleep. My heart has almost stopped racing.
That’s it, I’m so kicking ass now. Watch out world because I am so over this shit!