Creative Writing Assignment Gone Horribly Wrong

A friend of mine was cleaning out her inbox today and found an old piece of my writing. I had fun laughing at myself and thought I’d share what can happen when it’s 4:17 on a Tuesday afternoon and you’ve run out of real work to do.

Creative Writing Assignment
What animal are you like?  Compare yourself to an animal. Tell how you are like that animal and in what ways you are different.

Escape. It’s a common enough desire. Throughout the ages human-beings have yearned for it.  Have looked, searched, strived and worked for it. Some even have found it—with the animals. Keats once longed to be a nightingale, Kafka imagined himself transformed into a monstrous venomous bug, Blake found himself dreaming of tigers and lambs, while countless Grecian gods and goddesses turned themselves into beasts in order to walk among men unseen. And so it is today. And so it is with me. For if I were any animal I wouldn’t be a bird or bug, I would be a unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin. That’s right, a unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin. Many have doubted the existence of the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin but recently, in the far reaches of the Lebanese rainforest, they have found this allusive creature. And they have also found that it kicks ass.

The unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin is a unique cross-breed of the animal kingdom. Scientists have tracked its formation and have been astonished at what they’ve found. Back in 208 BC, in an unprecedented act of copulation a unicornpegasus mated with a velociraptor. Their offspring, by benefit of their magical powers and superior strongly-curved claws on each forelimb, flourished. Around 20 AD the creature came into contact with a platypus and, quite naturally, felt an instant connection to the mysterious creature that was half bird thingy and half mammal. The two mated and their offspring, which took after the mother, met up with a monkey around 1238 creating the infamous and much-debated unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkey. How that thing got it on with a dolphin is anyone’s guess but scientists suspect that a 50 foot crane and the smooth sweet tunes of Al Green were somehow involved. Needless to say, the result was and is miraculous. The unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin is the unparalleled and undisputed champion of the animal kingdom, which is why it’s the animal I would be. Like, duh.

With the superior intellect and physical strength of the velociraptor it’s able to capture its prey, terrorize preteen girls hiding in kitchens, eat stupid lawyers sitting on outhouse toilets, and sneak onto cargo ships so that they can eventually take over the world in the fifth movie. I don’t like to eat people or anything but I do think I can kick some major butt sometimes. And if some weirdo guy with white hair and a walking stick made out of amber brought me back from extinction I’d totally tear it up. Plus, I’m like, super tough. Rrrrrrraw!

And yet I’m playful too. And so is the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin. Because of its monkey parts it enjoys games, laughing, and the inevitable throwing of its feces. I don’t throw my poop anymore but I love games and laughing. I also like to swing from trees and scratch myself—two traits the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin has become well known for.

But I like the water, especially the ocean, so good thing the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin also has a dolphin side. Dolphins are pretty much a water monkey anyways. And I think I giggle kind of like the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin—similar to a dolphin but with a touch of whimsy and magic from its unicorn parts.

Because like the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin I have a somewhat mystical side. Sometimes I like to think about deep stuff and like contemplate the universe and junk. Plus I totally want to fly and have magic powers just like the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin. I’d like it if a piece of my horn could heal people too because I’ve always wanted to save the world. Oh ya, and like the unicorn side of the uniconrpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin I’m attracted to virgins, which is why people always try to lure me into traps using them.

And I’m always confused. I don’t know what I want to be or who I am—just like the platypus side of the unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin. So ya, that totally applies to me too.

I mean wow, I am such a unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphin and I never even realized it until now.

And I’ve totally lost steam and don’t want to write this anymore. So, I’ll just say unicornpegasusvelociraptorplatypusmonkeydolphins rock! And so do I! Booyah!

The end.


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